Advantage

And so May is gone. You know, I forgot to mention, the 27th was the half birthday of this blog. 6 months already? Can't believe it. Somehow I've stuck with it.
I know I haven't had much writing lately... honestly, being in such a good mood makes it hard to write. Being in a good mood, I've been more willing to go out, improvise, and do whatever the hell I want with whoever the hell I want. And that tends to be from the time I wake up to much past the sun setting, with little to no time in between.
Three days of school left, holy hell. Three more days until I'm halfway done with high school. And I don't think I would have changed a single thing.
Anywho, more reflections later - once I'm actually done. Unfortunately, there's still exams.
So I promised you all some real writing today, and I tried; don't really know if I succeeded. Here you go.

So maybe we weren't sober,
Pushed into that icy water
That brushed away the sweat
Gathering on my forehead,
Giving me a rush
As my feet struggled
To grip onto a stable rock,
Failing at first,
Slipping on slick moss.
Maybe chemicals were messing with my head
As you took my arms
And threw me in.
Your eyes were especially green in the sunlight,
And your smile was still
Plastered there
When I resurfaced.
My clothes hung from my body;
Dripping, useless rags.
Hell, we didn't care,
I peeled them off and
Tossed them on shore.
Consistency is what they call it -
Sometimes you have to break it,
Move off the stone path
And jump in the moving water that runs alongside it,
Taunting you for so long
Until you finally give in.
You ask me
How I would feel
If you let me fall,
But it doesn't even matter,
Because you wouldn't let that happen.
Turn the impossible
To possible,
Let me fall into the water, into you,
And stop me
If I drift too far away.
Come kiss the stars,
Catch a hundred fireflies at once
And let them light the way
As we walk in a different direction this time.

Yay!

So close, I can feel it.
And you're making it so much easier, faster, livelier, better.
I'll have some writing tomorrow.

Truth be told

I'm dizzy.

Magic

God, what a great day.

So what if I got pushed into the Huron River, fully clothed, by someone I've talked to once or twice?

So what if I was supposed to be at school today?

So what if I skipped the visitors pass and walked right in?

It was awesome.

The way she is, the way she are

Never let

your feet

run faster

than your shoes.

Alive or dead, and no in between

Bambambambam. Bam.

Tuesday Tellings, week 12

My secret is that I'm absolutely terrified of going deaf because music is the one thing that keeps me going. Keeps me from doing a lot of things. But in a good way.

Not enough time

wasted film,

where have you gone?

snapshots of

this journey

you all hold,

ready to burn

at any second.

you're not fooling anyone.

where have you gone?

From the moment I saw you, I knew that -

Saturday Saturday Saturday.

4 day week, 3 day week, exams, done.

Just a breath away.

Intrepid

Today is one of those days
When the fear of god is most evident,
And raindrops channel their anger
By pelting to the ground
Quickly accompanied by
A flash of lightning,
Attempting to distract you
From this vulnerability.
It is days like these
When we want to
Clear our mind,
But how can we break free
When the window is smudged,
Concealing the enemies outside?
Our feeble, swishing tails
Pale in comparison to the
Wings of freedom,
Constantly taunting us by flying
Just out of reach.
So we will wait
For the day when
We find the strength
To jump
Out of the water
And catch freedom's wings.

I think it's time.

Uno mas

One more day, but I'm already givin' up

I'm bruised, I'm exhausted, I've barely got a grip on the edge of the dropoff.

What more do you need to do?

Color my world

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I will cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Oh, oh, and I'm just waiting til the shine wears off

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one

And you'll be lost
Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Oh, oh, and I'm just waiting til the firing stops
Oh, oh, and I'm just waiting til the shine wears off...

Tuesday Tellings, week 11

Hey baby look at me go, from zero to hero.

I've been working on figuring out where I should be focusing. Although it's difficult, we all have to find out what it is at some point, right?

Another Post Secret from this week's Sunday Secrets is what I'd like to be my secret for this week. The front of the postcard reads: "I have a story inside of me, but it feels too big to tell." The inside says "The fear is crippling me, but not writing it is driving me insane."

To summarize it, I guess I have all these things I want to share, but no one really to share it with.

Just waiting for the right time.

This week is going to be very very busy, so I don't know how much writing I will post. Apologies in advance!

Brain dead

Sugaaa free Red Bull.

...What is going on?

Insomnia

All I want is sleep sleep sleep. Too bad I get it when I don't want it and don't get it when I want it.
Life's one big tease, isn't it?
Actually no. That is a terrible way to look at it.
Anyway, this is going to be a long week, so bear with me. I am guessing my free time will be spent sleeping, not writing.

Narcolepsy

I'm sorry, but... WHO CARES.

But, actually..

Party and bullshit, part 2

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEKEND


They're gone again. Four days, three nights.
'Bout to be craaaazy.

Comfortable

"Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Smelling the leftover raindrops

Among the blades of grass,

I craw out from underneath

The covers,
Hesitant to leave your side,

Still sleeping.

You lay there, eyes delicately closed.

I kiss them

And they flutter,

But you don't wake.

Careful not to rustle the blankets,

I slip out the door,

Impulsively slidding on a pair of sandals

Before escaping the

Barely unavoidable bang of the door.

A chill grabs my bare legs

By surprise, and

I fold my arms tightly

In an attempt to keep the heat

Within my body

That you once held.

Sure, the sun is just peeking

Over the horizon,

But it is not supposed to be

Only fifty-something degrees.

Purple clouds

Mesh with orange,

Forming a peachy-lilac blend

Distinct to this particular morning.

A firefly

With a broken wing

Flies by, still struggling

To escape the morning.

His light timidly flickers

But will never shine

As bright as it did.

This simple insect

Reminds me strangely of myself,

Still very much alive and flying,

But damaged by

The past's thrown daggers,

Removed but leaving scars.

Instinctively, the firefly

Lands on my fingertips,

Tingling simarly

To how I feel when you kiss me -

Familiar, understanding, warm.

And suddenly the firefly

Can set of on its own

Journey, by itself.

A wind picks up,

Tickling my knees

And weaving in between my toes,

Sending shivers

Up to my shoulders,

Like a simple stroke of your finger,

Tracing my evident veins

Shining through

My pale skin.

The sun is fully in view,

Still barely relying on the horizon,

Just waiting for that

Last string to be cut

So it can be free.

And the backdoor opens, your face tired

But your eyes awake

As they meet mine,

Ready for something new.

Starlight

Who are you to ruin my fun?

Exactly. In the past few days I have finally learned how to step up and cut that shit out of my life. It's nice.
Lately, I have had more free time, more time to be happy, more time to just enjoy things as they are.
This past weekend was awesome, and I'm looking forward to another good one coming up. With you.

There are still things I want to tell you.

I'll be chasing your starlight.

Tuesday Tellings, week 10

Today... today I finished my journal. A five month story. In two hundred or so pages. Weird.

Today I also went for a little walk. Not a long one, maybe about ten minutes. My mind was kind of jambled and jumping around. So instead of a poem, I have a rant.

I have sat across the street my whole life, watching the paint on your door shift from brown, to black, to that hideous blue you tried once, only to change it to green. All my life I have watched and yet you have maintained your anonymity, never once stepping outside at a chance to run into me. I have seen your cat, thoug. He hides and will stick his head out of the window just enough so that the street lights give his eyes an eerie glow, only intriguing me more. I have sat and watched your grass grow and grow and grow, but never have I heard the lawnmower, yet your yard is freshly cut by sunrise.

I am just that girl walking by every two weeks or so, carrying a strange assortment of things, while the words on the back of my coat expose those years of lies. Sure, I've got scars and fresh blood trailing down my leg, but it's nothing compared to those wounds I had just months before.
Sure, your voice has been raised and it has sent my blood pumping, afraid to hear those shattering glasses as I turn away, avoiding the shards that fly. Yes, you have yelled and yelled until I thought your lungs would give out, but in the end my words beat yours, staying calm until the real war breaks out. I am stronger than this, I can toss you aside, no more lingering handicap and dragging at my ankles until you leave finger-shaped bruises.

Because you were then, a stupid watch on my wrist, ticking and ticking until I finally give in and look.

But I am now, this is now, and this is where I am staying.

Something has changed this girl, there's a new bounce in her step and a smile waiting in line behind every frown. Suddenly it does not matter how long she has been waiting, because it is finally here.

My secret: I take almost everything people say seriously. Unless I really, really know them. It makes me vulnerable.

Tell me 'bout it

"A lot of people are afraid to ask for what they want.

That's why they don't get what they want."

Turn the beat up on repeat

Looong, awesome weekend. Wouldn't change a thing.
Tomorrow I'm having a picnic. Yay. And the weather's improving. Double yay!
Lately it seems like everyone's looking forward to the thing I should be looking forward to as well, but I just can't. Plus I have other things on my mind. And I'm just fine with that... so don't ruin my fun.

I crave to return to the ocean again,
To have the sea salt sculpt my hair
Into perfectly touseled waves
That mirror the water.
Blasting Better Than Ezra and all that perfect beach music
While creating a dance with the teasing waves
That you must learn to trust
Even though they always return to where they came from.
The dance is a combination of heel and toe,
Spinning, swiveling, stepping,
Exchanging old dry sand with the new,
Just brought in.
Nothing compares to the rush
As that first wave of the summer embraces you,
Surrounding you with a current,
Pulling you closer
To where you want to be,
Where you should be,
Losing breath from the kiss of the sea,
Anticipated all year.
So we will drive our
Green, four-door Jeep Wrangler
With the top down,
Trace highway 12 once again,
Even though we could do it
Blindfolded,
And drive past that same blue mansion
Whose boardwalk we trespassed on,
Smuggling vodka and new friends
Onto our home terrain,
The cold night sand
Hugging our eager feet.
Another summer rolls around,
And we will come back with more than just tan lines.


Yepp, that's Avon Pier.

Bliss

Sorry I technically missed "yesterday."
Just got home from prom!
I'll write more tomorrow...

Let's make this last forever

No one should ever be at school for 14 hours.

Ever.

I'm exhausted.

'Cause you can see it when I look at you

"You can say I'm the one curly fry in the box of the regular..."

Mmmhm.
Questions are racing through my head, and

I'm overanalyzing all over again.
Somehow I can't break this cycle.
There are a million things I want to ask you but two million things

I want to hold back.
I have writers block because my mind is rushing.
So now I'm stuck.

"middle of nowhere"

Tuesday Tellings, week 9

I didn't tell you all of what it really meant... I wanted to though. Good things come to those who wait, I guess.

Slipping, tripping

Over words for once.

Stumbling, tumbling,

Thoughts tangling when I pass you.

Breaking, aching

For a moment with you.

Once I find a second alone

In the chaos of the day,

I realize
All I need

Is to be with you -

One smile, one kiss,

Even a brush of your fingertips

Can get me through the day,

Plaster a smile on my face
That I couldn't get rid of

Even if I tried.

Please, stay with me this summer,

Where we can stay up

Long enough to see the sunrise,

Then fall asleep and share a blanket

Or two.

I'll wake you with a kiss,

People-watch in the park

And walk barefoot 'til our feet turn black.

Catch fireflies and make wishes,

Share kisses,

Watch the stars emerge

One by one,

And make up constellations.

Won't you stay here with me?

I have a story before my secret. First I was thinking of a secret, then I realized I had already posted it in another Tuesday Telling. So today, my secret is that I am afraid I am running out of new things, of things to tell people. I am afraid I have been revealed, which scares me. Nothing is holding me back - which some people would consider a good thing - but I consider it safe, secure.

So, let go of all the mixed emotions / Forget all your hesitations / Together entwined inside this feeling / Your feet off the ground, headed ceilin'

Dr. Seuss was right

This poem is kind of all over the place.
Like my mind... but that's not a problem - it's because of you.

And the songs that play
Just admit the words
I'm too afraid to admit,
Perfectly illustrating my thoughts
That haven't quite reached words.
I open my ears at
5:03 a.m., eyes at a close second,
Piecing together that
Familiar symphony
Of thunderclaps and raindrops
Harmonizing,
Even their breaths in sync.
Maybe this storm will help me
Clear my mind,
Because you have been the
Only thing
On it lately, and
I'm not sure where I am going.
Number five,
Thirteen,
One,
Twenty-two.
They are all what I have dreamt about
In the past -
Becoming reality
Faster than I realize.
It was March 13th,
April 2nd,
December 26th,
February 13th.
Every single minute was worth it.
I hope you think so too.

"And I was like, that's the shit right there"

Oh nine - one oh

There were days
Where we felt like we were stuck
In an Opium War,
Unable to meet the supply to the demand,
And realizing
Martin Luther really was right -
And you, Charles V, are wrong.
You might have thought
That what you were doing was the right thing,
Always first in line for charity,
But everyone can see
Through you and your
Silly tricks.
You're not fooling anyone -
You're just another Chaucer character.
But then out of nowhere
Comes that methane boom
You should have seen on the first day,
And you have found the
Hot spot in the glass tray
Of heated marshmallows,
Stabbing it gloriously with a toothpick,
And everything
Makes sense.
So maybe not every polynomial can be simplified
Without using the quadratic formula,
But at some point
We all have to
Face the facts -
Direct and indirect objects do matter.
Through all the
X equals who-gives-a-fuck,
Why not China? - because that's just the way it is,
And seemingly unbalanceable equations,
It's all just like looking for
The Big Dipper on the quiet shores
Of the Pinery -
It was right in front of your face the whole time.

Additions

17. You make my heart beat like crazy.
18. I believe you when you tell me it's going to be okay.
19. Whenever you text me I smile before I even read it.
20. Your list was without a doubt better than mine.
21. I like surprising you, even if you don't want me to.
22. I love that you can pick me up.
23. You keep me from worrying. Really.

"Dreams of Flying"

I guess it's coming true.

Just the thought of you can drive me wild.